Blog Post: October
- lumpialady11
- Oct 4, 2024
- 11 min read
Updated: Mar 15, 2025
Hello October <3 It's one of my favorite months of the year (along with the other "ber" months). Pumpkin patches. Apples orchards. Hay rides. Halloween. My favorite season is fall, so I will miss it immensely when we move south. But this blog post isn't going to be all rainbows and unicorns. It might get a little serious actually.
In this post, I discuss the darkest time of my life and share some of my experiences as a survivor of domestic abuse and violence. I don't go into great detail, but I do share some triggering memories with you, so please read on with caution.
Did you know that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month?
According to the Domestic Violence Awareness Project, "Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) is a national campaign dedicated to raising awareness about domestic violence. Every October, organizations and individuals unite across the country for a national effort to uplift the needs, voices, and experiences of survivors. Congress declared the month of October to be Domestic Violence Awareness Month in 1989."
Recap
In a previous post, I mentioned that even the most difficult and darkest experiences helped lead me to where (I believe) God meant for me. Despite my trauma, I remained resilient. Despite all of my geographic relocations, I made and kept friends. Despite everything I have been through (that would have truly and permanently destroyed most people), I am here. I did more than survive. I thrived. Read more in my previous post here: https://lumpialady11.wixsite.com/lalumpialady/post/herewego
My Story
******WARNING: This intimate passage details content not intended for young readers, or the faint of heart. Please do not proceed if you think this will be triggering for you. Please be mindful if you want to comment and post questions regarding my experiences. This was an extremely difficult, confusing, draining, and painful time for me.*****
My story has been a difficult one to share. I've only opened up to some family about it, and even then, it was after I was away from him. I've talked with therapists, and I've healed. I feel lighter now. I feel stronger. I feel okay again. I feel courageous enough to share some of my story with you. It's a long one. You've been warned.
The beginning: It all began in the late summer of 2013 with a simple visit to a Home Depot with my family (a store I always detested, and now, even more so just because of the memories). And if you know me in my real life, you probably know exactly who I am talking about now. Let's call him... Pomas. Or Pommy. Pomass. Whatever you prefer :-)
Pomas was charming. He could be sweet, goofy, and seemingly innocent. I met him while my family and I went to the Home Depot where he was working to pick up a new grill my dad purchased. Pomas was too shy to ask for my number, so his older coworker asked my dad, "Hey, one of the guys who helped load the grill onto your truck would like to ask your daughter for her number." My dad said it was up to me. I said, "He has to ask himself." So he did. Nervously, I remember.
A pretty nice meet-cute. Little did I know there would be reoccurring heartache, devastation, humiliation, terror, and torment that I would endure for the next 5 years. I mean, Pomas was so innocent initially - at least that is what it seemed. Underneath it all and from the very beginning, there was deep deception and a trail of lies.
At first, it was all mostly emotional abuse. Promises to do better. To change. To never do it again. Even sometimes cursing towards me. Why did I endure this in the first place? sigh
Love can be blinding. It's hard to see things clearly when you're up close to it all and caught up with other things in life. School. Work. Moving across the country. My priorities definitely weren't right, I'll admit. I often poured from an empty pitcher trying to overflow other people's cups. I tended to give pieces of my heart out even though they were shattered.
When did things become worse? The year my dad passed away (2017).
Where was Pomas? A TDY (temporary deployment). Yeah, he was military too... sigh again I met him before he joined and was hesitant to pursue a relationship together for this very reason. But, anyway. The year my father unexpectedly died, the man that was supposed to protect me and stick with me through the good times and bad... He was the worst to me.
Pomass was having the time of his life. I am still convinced some of the guys on Pomas's soccer team, who eluded to outings to strip clubs and unmentionable behavior, were revealing the truth. The signs of infidelity by him were more apparent as time went on. The stares I would get from people on and around base sometimes (we lived on base)... It wasn't just paranoia. Some people knew about his behavior, but no one wanted to say anything. I'm sure some people found it amusing honestly (his buddies).
Pomas was a repeat offender for being unfaithful. When I first realized what he was doing behind my back, I contacted a pastor who counseled us. I called my parents in a panic (but didn't exactly reveal the truth I had discovered). When it happened again, I almost left completely. I was devastated and confused. Things got better, but later they got worse...
It's frustrating, I know.
This manipulator loved to deplete the life out of me. He seemed to enjoy doing it. And out of "stupidity" (he called it), he enjoyed other people's company too.
The shock: It wasn't just the girls who would come to watch him play at his soccer games he was sneaking around with... Have you heard of advertisements on Craigslist for hookups? Yeah, that's a thing I unfortunately learned. I discovered Pomas made multiple ads and had been doing so for a long time. And the ads were not just for girls either. Yup. Looks like Pomas was literally playing for both teams.
Now add to my devastation and confusion. There's this. Pomas denied everything of course. I think that this secret of his added to his anger towards me. I knew his biggest fears and knew him better than anyone - his best friends, his family... no one knew about this. I guess until now. I won't share all the details because, like Pomas liked to say, "Don't be a d*ck." Even though he was busy getting some.
Rewind to 2017: I'm still finishing school because I took breaks, worked, moved, and changed my major. I'm devastated that I've lost my dad. I'm taking care of two dogs and a home by myself. My (then) husband who was supposed to be by my side, wasn't. I mean, he did fly back home after American Red Cross contacted him for the emergency, but even when he was around, he wasn't there for me. Literally. He left me at our family home to go meet his buddies and whoever else he wanted to see. "I want to at least see my family while I'm here" he told me. That was fine during the day, but not at 1 am when you've been gone for hours. To this day, I think Pomas was relieved my dad passed away because now, he had no one (in his mind) to answer to for his crimes. He broke his promise to not only me, but my parents. The promise to care for me and treat me right.
My dad actually wrote him a letter back while Pomas was at basic training after Pomas asked for permission to marry me (at least he did that right). My dad said many wise things. He said it was ultimately my decision to marry him. But he gently reminded Pomas that he would have his AR handy :-) And if you knew my dad, you knew he took good care of his guns and went to the range often.
Pomas was a coward. But Pomas was also cruel.
When did it become worse exactly? What do I mean by worse?
The humiliation in front of other people. Laughing at me. Taunting me. Cursing at me. Ignoring me (except when he needed his clothes washed/ironed and food) - this was quite relieving. Always on his phone. Pretending to be playing candy crush while he was talking to his crushes.
Side note: Let's call her, Menzie. Menzie was one of the girls Pomas was dating while married to me. Someone who knew her contacted me on Facebook baffled to find out Pomas was actually married to me. Fast forward: Pomas and Menzie broke up eventually, I found out through a friend. Also, we were discussing divorce when I found out about her. My mom and I saw them together riding in his jeep. Bless that poor girl. I wanted to warn her, but I'm sure Pomas already corrupted her. I mean, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, even knowing she knew he was already married. No one should have to go through what I did.
The betrayal: Some of his buddies knew about this girl and they went on double dates together. His direct supervisor knew about Menzie, not sure for how long. His supervisor was absolutely no help. To this day, I regret not going directly up the chain of command because his supervisor "wanted the chance to help." She paraded me around his workplace when I needed her help to be a mediator between us during our divorce. Said she forgot her hat somewhere and wanted to walk me out. She said she was so sorry Pomas stood up and yelled at me saying, "This is f*cking bullsh*t" and walked away during our conversation. She said she had been through terrible situations with her ex. I may have been too scared to say anything back then, but no, you were wrong to help your troop this time. You said you were looking out for us both. You were only interested in helping yourself because you were drowning in troubled troops and didn't want another failure on your hands. But thanks for the added PTSD, ma'am.
No - I did NOT know about SAPR (Sexual Assault Prevention and Response) back then. I did NOT make an unrestricted report. I did NOT end up telling the commander. I did NOT realize I was in an abusive relationship (and never imagined I would be) until I read a pamphlet at the med group depicting the "Cycle of Domestic Violence." I wept after I read it. That was me. That was my situation.
The hitting me in my sleep and claiming "it was just a dream."
Pomas confirmed that he was not dreaming after hitting me in the stomach one night after I told him I thought I could be pregnant. He also said he didn't want to have kids with me anymore.
The standing in front of me, tall and broody, after I moved myself to the couch because I was afraid to sleep next to him. Pomas telling me to "get back in bed."
The constant grabbing me and forceful kissing whenever another guy at the grocery store looked in my direction.
The unwanted booty slaps and random, unusual and aggressive behavior while I was trying to clean the house, or take care of our dogs, or just have some peace. Never mind time for studying. I was constantly falling asleep with books on top of me and waking up in a panic, gasping for air.
The staying up all night and never going to sleep because I was too afraid to.
The nightmare I had about my ex-husband killing me.
Yeah, that's when things got worse.
I can't put into words the experiences I endured during these intense months. The weeks of sleep I was deprived. The meals I skipped. The tears. The bruises. The isolation. The despair I felt.
If it wasn't for my mom, brother, the rest of my family, and my faith in God, I don't think I'd be writing this right now. I don't think I would have made it. I thank God for my family. They helped me get away. They helped me physically relocate and stay safe. They helped me as I processed and grieved.
Recovery and Life Now
It's always been a wave of emotions with ups and downs. But I am in a much better place now. It took time. I worked on physically and mentally recovering first, then built myself back up. Volunteering. Finishing school. Working out. Staying off social media for a year. Traveling.
There were a lot of good people who were placed in my life during all of this too. You know who you are. Thank you for being there for me, even though you didn't fully know what was going on. Even though I couldn't even fully say it until years later.
There were also a lot of not-so-good people in my life who I learned to steer clear of. People I thought I could trust. It's hard opening up to others, but it's even trickier to know who you can trust. Like Pomas's supervisor. I was really tricked by her. But I know karma will always come through :-)
I have no contact with Pomas. That last time I did was because he owed me spousal support during our separation. He was pocketing extra BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) which we had in a legal agreement he was supposed to split with me, but instead bought a house with his mistress and other things and told me he was "strapped for cash". That mess took about a year of constantly calling the first shirt's office and getting no follow-up. Until, finally, a woman answered the phone and got things sorted out. "This is not okay," she had said. Absolutely not. It was illegal. But he still got away with it all, and I allowed him to pay me back in small increments, no interest, over time. I didn't ask for anything else but to take care of our second dog he took. He didn't want our Shiba anymore because he was "too much trouble."
Our Shiba was reactive to other dogs and mostly men around that time. Especially men in uniform. He was difficult to take care of, and Pomas frankly didn't care to help the situation. He didn't let me say goodbye to our second dog and just took her. So, baby girl, I hope you are out there safe and loved and living your best life.
Today, my Shiba and I are thriving. He likes to play with other dogs (across fences) and can even go on a walk with some dogs now. He's improved tremendously and is affectionate towards my own babies. Him and I, we've been through it together since 2015 when I first got him. I'll have to make an appreciation post about that boy, because really, he helped save me too when no one else believed in him. We saved each other I think.
Fun fact: My Shiba immediately warmed up to my amazing husband. He's a special one.
So that's it for now. I left out bits and pieces, because honestly, it's too long of a story, and I think I mentioned a lot. It was therapeutic to write, so whatever you take from it all, just know that I am okay now. I have a wonderful, kind, strong, handsome, intelligent, loving, and adoring husband and a beautiful family of my own. It took a lot to get here. But here I am.
If you or someone you know is struggling with a similar situation, please reach out, show kindness and support, and be there for them. I've listed some resources below that may be helpful.
Conclusion
Thanks for reading and sticking around. I know this got intense. Truly. It feels good to laugh at certain stuff today. I couldn't do that before. Hopefully, I will help you laugh with me more than make you feel sad. I hope you feel hope again reading this.
If you're dealing with something like this right now: One day, things will be better again. Just keep going. Take one day at a time. Survive. And you will thrive again.
That's it for me for now. I hope October is full of blessings for you!
Look out for another future recipe post, and/or blog post. You can subscribe to stay up-to-date with me if you'd like or follow me on Facebook and Instagram! :-)
Much Love,
-La Lumpia Lady aka Christina
Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 TTY
Text “START” to 88788.
Sexual Assault & Harassment Prevention Response in the military
Special Victims Counsel in the military
The Cycle of Domestic Violence
A Proclamation on National Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month
October Holidays and Observances https://www.today.com/life/holidays/october-holidays-and-observances-rcna33576
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
“We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.”
Psalm 118:14
“The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation.”
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